isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”