Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
ME: I trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: abbreviate Maine
ME: what I say when I’m hurt
HER: this sucks
ME: just wait
CAT: we’re just getting started Linda
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is