@stverogrrs

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

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@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

@ojedge

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

@meechonmars

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

@Bob_Janke

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

@ericsshadow

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

@StupiDucker

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

@RadBadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

@clichedout

ME: I trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: abbreviate Maine

CAT: me-

ME: what I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: just wait

CAT: we’re just getting started Linda

@bridger_w

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is