Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
my professor scared me for a second
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”