[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!