*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy