@trevso_electric

Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?

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@MomOnFire

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

@sofarrsogud

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

@Elizasoul80

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

@thenatewolf

*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*

What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?

@abbycohenwl

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

@HomeProbably

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

@ZackBornstein

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@fightgeek

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy