Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert