Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
IT’S-A ME,
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Finally!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.