I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*