Wife: Where are the kids?
Me *turns off router*
[from down the hallway]
Me: They’re in their rooms.
It all went downhill when he texted me he’s abscessed with me.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random
“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
My position on marijuana is slumped in a beanbag chair.
You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.