@insanelynormal1

It all went downhill when he texted me he’s abscessed with me.

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@TheMichaelRock

Wife: Where are the kids?

Me *turns off router*

[from down the hallway]

HEYYYYYYY!!!!

Me: They’re in their rooms.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@Steelers1972

You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.