Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call