It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.