It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I think the cat got the dog high.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.