it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You Might Also Like
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
meanwhile over on facebook
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.