@usermcuserface

It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you’ll become royalty and have a great life.

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@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

@noog

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

@Juicedballs

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

@SimplySnaccbar

me: 1985 was a great year

friend: you weren’t even born yet

me: exactly

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.