My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
#gardening
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥