[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Life hack
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I put the h in mysterious.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: