Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“Huge”.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
That seems a conundrum…
🤔