Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.
I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.