It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
No, he would not have.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore