@Peauxtassium

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

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@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@pilau

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

@junejuly12

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@NicestHippo

[job interview]
You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer?
[i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder]
Yes

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

@Darlainky

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.