It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”