It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
This is the one
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.