@KentWGraham

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

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@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@SamuelMoen

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

@Jake_Vig

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@MumInBits

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

@ObscureGent

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

@JKickinit30

You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.

@mostlysharks

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

@Shade510

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.