@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

You Might Also Like

@StinkyGr33n

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

@Piecezilla

Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

@mrjohndarby

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

@jake_lach

-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.