my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.