Imagine me riding a bike.
There’s no seat.
It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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[inventor of Grape Nuts]
what if you could eat gravel?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.