It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.