It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago