@ninjadinosaur1: It doesn't make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
@jonnysun: LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
@Liffonmelsmork: It's getting cold in here So take off all your clothes Then we can make a fire with them
@Parkerlawyer: My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing. LAUGHING. When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.