It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Look at this
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.