It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Ok but actually
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
it’s the silliest best thing
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it