It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought