playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
him: you know you aren’t supposed to use q-tips like that
me: *eating a bowl of q-tips covered in ranch* i’ll take my chances
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Good morning to everybody except whoever made this
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]