@HomeProbably

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

@KalvinMacleod

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

@suzannemariedo

him: you know you aren’t supposed to use q-tips like that

me: *eating a bowl of q-tips covered in ranch* i’ll take my chances

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

@RappaRick

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]