It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
all that yoga finally paid off
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Try and stop me.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Siri: Retweet me.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it