It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

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Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!


I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.


“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.

*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*

I know this now.


I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open


Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….


DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.


WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?


Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle


Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.


After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.