I wonder if Morgan Freeman talks himself to sleep every night.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
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Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.
“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.
*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*
I know this now.
I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Waitress: Do you want toast?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.