@lyric_intent: It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
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@Brampersandon_: [soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!
@bornmiserable: ME: sorry, I'm just in a really dark place right now COAL MINER: who the hell are you
@CulturedRuffian: Her: I like long walks on the beach. Me: Is there WiFi? Her: Where? Me: The beach. Her: What?...No. Me: We should see other people.
@TheLeslieMommy: At Walmart checkout other day: Cashier: "you have a dog?" (Scanning dog food.) Hubz: no, our kid needs protein Cashier: Hubz: Me: dying