It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon