It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
What
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?