“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.


[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*


That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?


“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.


ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you


Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.


ME: How fresh is the “fresh octopus”?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.


I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.


[superhero training school]

Him: So what’s your power?

Me: Uh, I can walk through any wall or surface. I don’t really like to though.

Him: Wow, why not?

Me: ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜˢᴇ ᴍʏ ᴄʟᴏᴛʜᴇˢ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ

Him: hmm?