I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.