It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.