*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.