YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.