“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
You Might Also Like
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*