IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE