[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.