IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You Might Also Like
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.