Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
next level snooze
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.