It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.

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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*


People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?


I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.


[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.


If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.


20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed


Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…


Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors


SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them