It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”


Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.


Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.


What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?


Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]


My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.


I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.


People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.


The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.


Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?