@averyhartmans

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

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@AndyRichter

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

@Kimgee8

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

@iAmJuddy

Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.

@SHOWERTHlNKING

What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

@13spencer

People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.

@TheTweetOfGod

The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.

@thecrabbyhook

Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?