It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate