It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…