@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

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@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

@AbbyHasIssues

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

@Darlainky

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@KKAlThani

Me: why did you stop me?

Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.

Me: what about main course?

Cop: step out of the car.

@robdelaney

Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.

@MaraWilson

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

@girlontapas

I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

@robotmouthfarts

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

@david8hughes

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it