Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: why did you stop me?
Cop: for starters you’re not wearing a seatbelt.
Me: what about main course?
Cop: step out of the car.
Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…
What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it