Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.