@Freudstombstone

It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.

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@AndyAsAdjective

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

@50FirstTates

Police Officer: whose drugs are these?

Owen, my pet snake: hissssssss

Me: Owen wtf

@RunwayDan

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

@RapeyRaperton

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@AllanForsyth

I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

@Vodkantots

Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.

-my kids, watching me sleep

@GrabTheWEness

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

@usermcuserface

(Knock)
Do you have a minute to talk about the lord?

Me: (doesn’t say a word, just dances the Macarena without breaking eye contact)

@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…