It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
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Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Who’s your best friend?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
That earthquake could have been an email.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
*frowns in Scottish*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard