It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
definitely did not do anything wrong
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.