DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU’RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T POOP”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?