@LuvPug

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

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@roxiqt

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@BahuWrites

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

@LoveNLunchmeat

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

@JillianKarger

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

@ThaJawn

I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

@sophielou

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

@AdamWeinstein

“WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU’RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T POOP”

@BillPelicanBros

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?