It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.