IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
You Might Also Like
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
When they try to steal your moment.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.