@SkinnerSteven: [mustard company office] *phone rings* “Yellow”

@MarlonBrandNO: [Trapped on a Island] *Message in a bottle* "Please send help!" *Gets message back, months later* "Linda invited you to play Candy Crush"

@gorrdano: How bout I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.

@Chumpstring: COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor's house ME: that's awful COP: he has video of the culprit ME: that's even worse isn't it

@dinnersruined: How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with? Me: *names two of them*