It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to


My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….


Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.


“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”


*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos


If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..


me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close