@HeyoShellz
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
@poopiest
It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready
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@HeyoShellz
@Spaziotwat
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
@Cheese_Pile
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
@andlikelaura
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
@topaz_kell
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
@HeelyHanson
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
@aidanjsears
ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok
@ThisOneSayz
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
@theshamingofjay
Life’s a piano and I’m wearing boxing gloves
@ThePocketJustin
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.