I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Noah
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.