It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
is nasa ok
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever