@ZachWeiner

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

You Might Also Like

@Roy_oh_Roy

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

@Faux_Ma

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

@HousewifeOfHell

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

@TheOnion

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@SoVeryBritish

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

@BatBatshitcrazy

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.