ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t
ME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
Trains delayed due to:
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– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.