@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

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@thedadvocate01

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

@Donna_McCoy

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

@pleatedjeans

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

@onlineguy420

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

@4SLars

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

@wendyraepearce

I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.

@bencjenkins

How can something that’s not unprecedented set a precedent exactly

@3sunzzz

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”