It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

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Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard


I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.


[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.


Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.


anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government


If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.


I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.


How can something that’s not unprecedented set a precedent exactly


I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.


It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”