It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.